Not even a ferret wound, either

Richard Whiteley is set to miss hosting episodes of Countdown for the first time in its 23 year history, on account of a recent hospitalisation. With accidental comedy brilliance of the kind he is usually incapable of displaying, he's picked up an illness which is a nine-letter word, and thus a Countdown Conundrum;

ONINEPUMA

One hopes - if only for the sake of the dozens of watching 80+ year-old grannies who adore their nice bit of young - that he doesn't get to play a word game of his own whilst incarcerated;

RICHARD; Consonant, please
NURSE; That's an "M"
RICHARD; and another...
NURSE; "R"
RICHARD; and another...
NURSE; "S"
RICHARD; and let's try a vowel now, please
NURSE; and that's an "A".

The prospect of having some smuggo like Nigel Rees or Richard Stilgoe in Twice Nightly's chair in the meantime doesn't bear thinking about, for all that the latter's reworking of "Virginia Bottomley" into "I'm an Evil Tory Bigot" is the best anagram gag I've ever heard.

Ewe, not eww

I read with interest that bus company giant Stagecoach has happened across an intriguing way to cut exhaust gases ahead of the introduction of the Euro4 directive on such emissions - it has fitted buses with internal tanks full of sheep urine. Apparently colourless and odourless, said wee wee has a neutralising effect upon the nitrous oxides in the exhaust fumes, ultimately converting them into nitrogen gas and water. You can experience these ovine-enhanced vehicles in the Basingstoke area of Hampshire.

Never ones to miss out on a possible (read blatant) money-making scheme, the Posse has been moved to finding alternative energy sources of its own. To that end Goatee has been raking through his cat's tray in search of would-be fuels to shovel into the fuel tank of Roy's car. Roy ought not mind, being the most eco-friendly of all of us - after all, he's been actively recycling old jokes for years.

Marston Green Blog

The next time you're passing through the delightful Birmingham suburb of Marston Green, the Zimmerposse can wholeheartedly endorse its eponymous Tavern. It has everything you want from a pub, namely.

• Well kept, cheap beer
• Friendly efficient service
• Bowls of chips at £1 a shot
• Plenty of seating
• A continental sun terrace
• Interesting locals
• Branded condiments